Helen’s Blog

7:56 AM 12/16/2007

Good morning, the only reason why I’m up so early online is because I’m waiting for Fall to get home. I really miss him and it sometimes freaks me out when he’s not there. I always like to talk to him first thing in the morning– it brightens up my whole day.

I’m feeling a little nauseous currently, and I’m a little light headed, but that’s alright. I get like that sometimes. I don’t really have anything in particular in mind for today’s blog, but I’ll just speak my emotion and my mind. I hope he comes back soon.

I wrote an email to him yesterday, a fairly long one explaining how much I appreciate him. Typing that email made me happy, because I know that it must have cheered him up even a little. At least, I’m pretty sure it did. I love showing how much I love him, and how much I care for him. He’s my world, he’s my sweetums.

I’m still a little depressed, knowing my path is all spread too thin. I just can’t make up my mind on a single path, and I know I won’t get any substance without it. I’m happy the way I am now, a foot in each religion, each philosophy. I don’t want to be good at just one thing, I want to know it all. I guess I can’t do that without getting deep with each one, and that’s too complicated. I don’t know what to do right now. I feel sort of spread thin, and lost within myself. I hope things get cleared up soon.

Anyways, I hope today is a good day, but I’m sure it will be, because Fall has the day off. There’s not much on my mind right now, it seems I’ve blogged my heart out with the last two posts. I’ll leave this be here, and return later or maybe tomorrow.

Helpless. I remember being helpless, with no one to comfort me, with nothing to stand beside me. I remember the feeling of having no hope left, just wanting to die and give up on life.

I think it’s time this blog reach a new level. It’s not only going to show how much I love Fall, but also the struggles I go through internally, the fights I experience within myself.. and all the times that Fall has helped me through each one.

It’s past a year after now, and I wonder what that innocent crush was. I love him, with all my heart and soul. Maybe it was love at first sight. Maybe it was falling in love for the first time. Whatever it is, it is truly something special, and one of the best things I’ve ever felt in my life. I’ll never forget that feeling. To think that, that feeling started everything, started my relationship with Fall.. is wonderful. I love him dearly, I love him more than anything, and I’ll love him forever and ever that way.   

High Magick vs. Low Magick: High magick is magick aimed from the True Will, while Low Magick, often called witchcraft or sorcery is Magick for the boost of your ego, material desires, earthly cravings, and so on.

Just your heartbeat is my favorite lullaby.

Just the thought of you makes my world.

Shimmering like a diamond,
Capturing the essence
Protecting the light
Reflecting the night.

Shimmering like a diamond,
The two of them shine
Protecting the light,
Reflecting the night.

I’ve been getting lazy lately with posting on my blog, as you can probably tell. Even if nothing is on my mind at the moment, I should still type something out. Why? Because there is always something I do need to talk about, even if I don’t realize it. Let’s go back a couple of days.

Now, I can’t really remember the last couple of days, but I will try my hardest to remember.  Not much has gone on.. I’ve been getting moody and depressed lately for some unknown reason. I still wake up looking forward to talking to Fall, but that’s it. There’s really nothing else I look forward to in life. I had an unhappy day because it was supposed to be a happy day.  I know that doesn’t make much sense, but maybe I’m just jealous of those who are able to enjoy a day with others, laughing, drinking, doing whatever,. Just being social. It seems so far away from me. The closest contact I have to humans are online. I feel alienated. I feel there’s only one person that understands me, and that is Fall. And that’s not such a bad thing, in my opinion. It’s just strange to see myself when no one else is looking.  

Everything seems normal again, and hope is still here. I guess I have these mood swings everytime we get into an argument. It’s amazing how one person can influence your life, like so. We’re heading quickly into July, which means we’re almost at August, which means we’ve gone almost in a full circle. I am starting to get deja vu online, and I swear sometimes it’s like notihng has changed. I still remember exactly how I felt when I saw AeternusAutumnus in his chat room. One year after, and I still feel that innocent crush when I watch Fall sometimes. I don’t know how it happened, I don’t know what I did, but somehow now, I have him. 

I had a MAJOR crush on Fall last year. I still do. It was insane. I don’t know why either. Just HIM, omigawd. It suprises me still that I’m so lucky to end up with him. I had a whole diary dedicated to him and everything. I would follow him into his chat room and stare at his pictures, hoping one day he would be into me too. I guess he felt the same way, just not as fan-girl-crushy-crushy as me. I feel like I’m in a love story. Well, I am. Now that I think about it, I had this obsession wall which I would stick things I’m obsessed to on it, and it’s located right above my bed. His name was ALL UP ON IT. I had pictures of fall leaves and everything. I went to bed every night thinking of him; and I always will.     

I’m feeling sick again, but not as much as I was before. I still feel very sleepy, and I miss Fall. I’m finally able to eat more variety of foods like cereal, but that’s not much better. I remember this font from my CompLit class from first semester at my high school. The teacher was cool; always gave me a good grade no matter what. My GWAM rate was about 60 I believe. He asked us always to use this font because all the letters and symbols take up the exact same space. I miss school, just having somewhere to go everyday was exciting. I don’t mind having the whole day to talk to Fall, though. That’s definitely one good thing about not having to go to school. So anyways, cool font, lol.

I’m a bit stressed out because yesterday this guy complimented me and I told him I was taken, and now he’s making up things saying I was complimenting several guys–which is untrue. I know it’s untrue, but my boyfriend doesn’t. I couldn’t reach him this morning because I overslept, and had my phone on vibrate. There’s nothing really to worry about, because I know I am not lying. Still.. I’m worried about him. I hate the feeling of having to go through a period of time not knowing something. That’s how I feel everytime we fight and we end up hanging up on each other for the whole night. What had happened was this; I was in this chat room named Cemetery Gates (sp?)with a few people in there, about five or more. DemonicInDesign came in and started talking about demons, and this was when I was still awake in the chat. The subject went to pictures, and I checked out everyone’s pics, and people checked out mine. I gave Demonic’s hair a 9. Demonic complimented me in the chatroom saying I was gorgeous and then he cyberkissed me. I told him I was taken, then zoned the hell out. He IMed me afterwords saying “too bad you’re not single” and I blocked him. Later on in the chat, he started harrasing these other people and got himself booted. That’s what went on. I don’t know what the hell his version of it was, though. I don’t really care, either. 

After eating so many bland foods, eating sugary cereal is driving my taste buds crazy. However, it is very enjoyable.