Helen’s Blog

This is such a bad day for me, you have no idea.

It’s not so much as the events are bad, it’s that my attitude is fucking horrible towards everything and everyone. I feel bad for everyone that I’ve yelled at today, but I can’t help it, I’m without my meds.

I had to stop the meds temporarily because of the stomach flu, and now I’m getting the result of it. Sigh.. this sucks.

I actually posted a post earlier and lost it, which pisses me more off. Anyway, I’ll try and type what I had down before. I’m sick of so many things right now, and grateful for very few. Just the one-liners in this post fucking suck. But, let me try and dig deeper than agitations.

Internally, I am struggling against myself, fighting myself to keep calm. To be honest, I have a bad memory and I can not even remember why I amd depressed. I still feel depressed even though the memory of the reason fades away, and I am left with a hollow emptiness, of a spirit something once stole. Everything it seems is just irritating me to no end. And I bet I’m going to lose this post as well.

Man, whatever.. I can’t say life sucks because really doesn’t.. sometimes I have to count my blessings. I have Fall in my life, and friends that help me through hard times,.. I’m not as sick as I was with the stomach flu earlier on in the week.. I’m still able to get online.. Stuff like that matters, no matter how small it is. It’s just that I overlook simple things when I get upset like this. I wish I could talk to someone, and just let my feelings out. This is close enough, I suppose.

Anyway, onto more reasons why I’m mad. Basically, there is chaos inside of me. I am not balanced, I cannot get myself straight, and I haven’t been meditating. My lifestyle is a mess.

Another reason is that I’m dealing with the stress of Fall being depressed and I know it’s not much what I’m feeling compared to what he’s probably feeling, but it still affects me. I don’t know why he’s depressed and I can’t help him not be depressed. He’s helping me though.. and I wish I could return the favor.

But anyways, how has my life been before that? It was alright. Being sick gives me a large appreciation for life when I’m not sick. I’m stuffing my face with crackers, hoping that I’ll get better soon. 

Unfortunately, I think my best friend is going through what I felt before.. but worse. I feel horrible inside because she’s going through this. She’s done so much good for me, I consider her my big sister. I don’t know what else to say..

I’m sorry I haven’t really posted alot in the past few days I’ve just been actually busy with life. Or so I think. I can’t really remember when I don’t post.. life just passes me by as I attempt to control and track it.

That sentence alone says SO much. If you are wondering who Moony is, she is the person that I asked to ask Fall to go out with me. Lol. Yeah. Of course I didn’t have enough guts to ask him out myself, since just hearing his voice would make me want to faint.

Yeah, yeah, I wimped out and asked my best friend/older sister to ask him for me.

But, the reason why I’m posting this now, is because I use the two terms differently. I don’t know whether it is correct usage or not, but honestly, I really don’t care. Magick with a K is used to define the cause of things to conform to True WIll, or completing the Great Work, or uniting the microcosm and the macrocosm. This is High Magick. There is no law beyond do what thou wilt, and what thou wilts is ultimately to return back to the Divine.

Magic with a C is the cause of things to conform to will. Will to get your homework done kind of will. Magic with a C is magic casted out for mundane wants, or physical changes, etc. Otherwise known as witchcraft or “low magic”. Spells to hurt others are considered low magic, for obvious reasons.

Now, I don’t practice, I don’t do ritual, I don’t cast spells, and I’m not going to claim to. I don’t even consider myself a witch anymore. Why I did, was because of my love of nature, and connection I had with the Divine.

What Salvador and I used to do was not true ritual. Meditating on a sabbat was not a ritual. I gave my blessings for the earth and that was nice and all.

What Rebecca, Matt, Kayle, and I did was not ritual. We knew nothing of energy, magic(k) or anything. They may disagree with me now, but looking back on all those years, I realized ritual is not for me.

From the moment when I spoke to you
Your words enchanted me so.
Shy, but i was happy..
Happy that you’d think of me.

From the moment when I called you
My life changed forever.
I had a partner, I had a best friend
I had someone to stand by me.

From the moment I gave my heart to you,
You reached and gave me yours as well,
You protected it well and loved it alot
and so, I’m forever thankful.

I hear a call, telling me I should study more magic and religion. I search for the ultimate universal truth in between philosophy, the occult, and religion. I don’t really have a large interest in practicing magic though. If it is necessary for me to practice to understand the ritual elements and how and why they work the way they do, then so be it. And I’m definitely not talking only about hermeticism, but also orphic and mystic types of ritual.

Ritual and the perennial philosophy.

The perennial philosophy, which I agree with most of it, believes in “dying to self” which means mentally stripping yourself of thoughts, ideas, perceptions and until you reach the mind itself, pure as it is. Modifying consciousness is what happens when die to self, and therefore reaching the Divine, or higher self. There are many paths to the same goal. I just need to find which one I should take.

I love his laugh, I love the way he treats me; cheering me up when I’m down, listening to my problems even though other people wouldn’t care.. I love the way he sings love songs to me, and I love all the sweet things he’s done for me; buys me presents, shares to me his feelings, is so understanding and tolerant of me..

I love him so much.

I love the way he looks at me, with his deep soul-searching eyes, I love the way he sends kisses through the phone. I love his personality, sense of humor, his big heart, and deep mind. I love how much he cares about me, and I love the things he says to me. I love him for who he is, and his name is Fall.

Yes. I do.

Three years from now, I’ll say the exact same in the ceremony–