Helen's Blog http://nossums.blog.com Forever in love with Fall~ Sun, 16 Dec 2007 23:23:48 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.7 en hourly 1 Misunderstood http://nossums.blog.com/2007/12/17/misunderstood/ http://nossums.blog.com/2007/12/17/misunderstood/#comments Sun, 16 Dec 2007 23:23:48 +0000 Nossy Everything I do is misinterpreted. Everything I say is misunderstood. I'm hopeless, and depressed. I don't know what else to do.

]]> Everything I do is misinterpreted. Everything I say is misunderstood. I’m hopeless, and depressed. I don’t know what else to do.

]]> http://nossums.blog.com/2007/12/17/misunderstood/feed/ Good Morning http://nossums.blog.com/2007/12/16/good-morning/ http://nossums.blog.com/2007/12/16/good-morning/#comments Sun, 16 Dec 2007 09:10:34 +0000 Nossy 7:56 AM 12/16/2007


Good morning, the only reason why I'm up so early online is because I'm waiting for Fall to get home. I really miss him and it sometimes freaks me out when he's not there. I always like to talk to him first thing in the morning-- it brightens up my whole day.


I'm feeling a little nauseous currently, and I'm a little light headed, but that's alright. I get like that sometimes. I don't really have anything in particular in mind for today's blog, but I'll just speak my emotion and my mind. I hope he comes back soon.


I wrote an email to him yesterday, a fairly long one explaining how much I appreciate him. Typing that email made me happy, because I know that it must have cheered him up even a little. At least, I'm pretty sure it did. I love showing how much I love him, and how much I care for him. He's my world, he's my sweetums.


I'm still a little depressed, knowing my path is all spread too thin. I just can't make up my mind on a single path, and I know I won't get any substance without it. I'm happy the way I am now, a foot in each religion, each philosophy. I don't want to be good at just one thing, I want to know it all. I guess I can't do that without getting deep with each one, and that's too complicated. I don't know what to do right now. I feel sort of spread thin, and lost within myself. I hope things get cleared up soon.


Anyways, I hope today is a good day, but I'm sure it will be, because Fall has the day off. There's not much on my mind right now, it seems I've blogged my heart out with the last two posts. I'll leave this be here, and return later or maybe tomorrow.

]]>

7:56 AM 12/16/2007

Good morning, the only reason why I’m up so early online is because I’m waiting for Fall to get home. I really miss him and it sometimes freaks me out when he’s not there. I always like to talk to him first thing in the morning– it brightens up my whole day.

I’m feeling a little nauseous currently, and I’m a little light headed, but that’s alright. I get like that sometimes. I don’t really have anything in particular in mind for today’s blog, but I’ll just speak my emotion and my mind. I hope he comes back soon.

I wrote an email to him yesterday, a fairly long one explaining how much I appreciate him. Typing that email made me happy, because I know that it must have cheered him up even a little. At least, I’m pretty sure it did. I love showing how much I love him, and how much I care for him. He’s my world, he’s my sweetums.

I’m still a little depressed, knowing my path is all spread too thin. I just can’t make up my mind on a single path, and I know I won’t get any substance without it. I’m happy the way I am now, a foot in each religion, each philosophy. I don’t want to be good at just one thing, I want to know it all. I guess I can’t do that without getting deep with each one, and that’s too complicated. I don’t know what to do right now. I feel sort of spread thin, and lost within myself. I hope things get cleared up soon.

Anyways, I hope today is a good day, but I’m sure it will be, because Fall has the day off. There’s not much on my mind right now, it seems I’ve blogged my heart out with the last two posts. I’ll leave this be here, and return later or maybe tomorrow.

]]> http://nossums.blog.com/2007/12/16/good-morning/feed/ A Forgotten Dream http://nossums.blog.com/2007/12/15/a-forgotten-dream/ http://nossums.blog.com/2007/12/15/a-forgotten-dream/#comments Sat, 15 Dec 2007 10:15:35 +0000 Nossy 8:40 AM 12/15/2007

Mm. I'm starting this post out with nothing in particular in mind. Just a ghost of the last post lingers, and the way I cleared things up.. it made alot of sense.


My times of sickness are hopefully over, and I hope to stay this way.


He says he'll try and get back to drinking less. I believe him, maybe because I am a fool, or maybe because I am hopeful, and have faith in him. I just hope he doesn't let me down. Again.


Anyways, on to a brighter subject, these days have been emotionally alright for me.. but I'm starting to reconsider what my true passions are, and what they make me. I know he doesn't think highly of philosophy, but to be honest, there's not much I can really do, being stuck here in a place like this. Always. To be honest, and I know I deny it most of the time, my dream was originally to be great. Not just great, but great in magical practice. It's too late now.. my denial has caused me to steer forth another path, and that path is philosophy. The easy route out. If I was able, I would learn and practice everyday with or with someone else, until I was great..


But I'm already 15. Time is passing me by as I continue to deny my true dream. And I will continue denying it so, just so I can become somebody. A philosopher, is what I am now. And all I can ever will be.

]]>

8:40 AM 12/15/2007

Mm. I’m starting this post out with nothing in particular in mind. Just a ghost of the last post lingers, and the way I cleared things up.. it made alot of sense.

My times of sickness are hopefully over, and I hope to stay this way.

He says he’ll try and get back to drinking less. I believe him, maybe because I am a fool, or maybe because I am hopeful, and have faith in him. I just hope he doesn’t let me down. Again.

Anyways, on to a brighter subject, these days have been emotionally alright for me.. but I’m starting to reconsider what my true passions are, and what they make me. I know he doesn’t think highly of philosophy, but to be honest, there’s not much I can really do, being stuck here in a place like this. Always. To be honest, and I know I deny it most of the time, my dream was originally to be great. Not just great, but great in magical practice. It’s too late now.. my denial has caused me to steer forth another path, and that path is philosophy. The easy route out. If I was able, I would learn and practice everyday with or with someone else, until I was great..

But I’m already 15. Time is passing me by as I continue to deny my true dream. And I will continue denying it so, just so I can become somebody. A philosopher, is what I am now. And all I can ever will be.

]]> http://nossums.blog.com/2007/12/15/a-forgotten-dream/feed/ Alcohol. http://nossums.blog.com/2007/12/14/alcohol/ http://nossums.blog.com/2007/12/14/alcohol/#comments Fri, 14 Dec 2007 14:25:03 +0000 Nossy Alcohol.

12:26 PM 12/14/2007

It's about time I dedicate a post to this. I have a problem, and it's name is Alcohol. No, I don't have a drinking problem, but the man in my heart does.

This is the story of how I was introduced to it.

Basically, when we first started going out, I had no idea. I honestly didn't. I was oblivious to the fact that he was pretty much drinking everyday, while he was talking to me. If I knew what was going on, I don't think I would have reacted differently, but I can never know. We had a rough start, when we first went out, and it wasn't only his drinking. Every other day we would fight about something that meant absolutely nothing to the both of us. Also, I had his lying problem. I still do, and I admit it's been a problem as much as the drinking. The reason why I post today, though is I want to find out WHY it is a problem, that he drinks.

In the beginning, I don't think he treated me the way I should have been treated when he was drinking. Sure, I was a liar, but I wasn't a worthless human being, weak and incapable of honesty. But back then, I thought he just treated me that way, well, sober. I didn't know it was alcohol induced. I thought it was just the way he shared his feelings, and back then I'd have to say I was ok with it. I was a stubborn little girl, wanting to fight all the time, and never trying to give in. I had a hard shell on the outside.

But now.. Things have changed completely. That hard shell is gone, because I've opened myself up to him completely. I give him the softness underneath.

When I slowly figured out that it was the alcohol, it was pretty much way too late to do anything about it. I didn't care so much because I had the hard shell, but the words bit it away day after day, untill I fell into a depression.

This is the depression of March, 07.

If you're thinking that he caused the depression, you're wrong because he didn't. I did. It was me that agreed with all the bullshit he was saying, it was I that broke myself down. I only used his words against myself, and was too hard. My shell had trapped me.

Somehow, things were turned around, and he fished me out. Gave me courage and enthusiasm each day, told me how wonderful I was. I don't remember the drinking sessions during that time, but as time went by, it got better. Much better.

Of course, there were always the bad days, the "I must drink today" days, but things have been much better. He started treating me differently, differently than the man I had met. I learned ways to sometimes avoid his drinking, in fear that the days will come again.

But now.. I am the problem, the girl that mistreats her fiance because he is drinking.

Maybe, just maybe.. deep inside I am so lonely that I have to take it out on him. Maybe.. him drinking is the excuse I give myself, that it's ok to mistreat him, that it's ok to yell. Haven't I learned that it's never alright? Haven't I learned how it feels to be mistreated? Sure he drinks, and still gets hammered, but he doesn't mistreat me anymore. It is I that mistreats him. So.. then why is it a problem that he drinks?

There is no problem, and he is doing great. It is only me, that hasn't gotten over the months. Now I guess I'm just afraid that he's going to revert back to that man, since it seems like he's drinking more and more these days. And I realize the more I mistreat him, the more he will probably drink. I need to change my attitude, no matter how hard it is, and move on. He's better than that, I know it.

Dealing with the alcohol is nothing compared to all the love he gives me, all the sweet moments and all the good times we've shared together.

Oh, why you look so sad?
Tears are in your eyes
Come on and come to me now
Dont be ashamed to cry
Let me see you through
cause Ive seen the dark side too
When the night falls on you
You dont know what to do
Nothing you confess
Could make me love you less

Ill stand by you
Ill stand by you
Wont let nobody hurt you
Ill stand by you

So if youre mad, get mad
Dont hold it all inside
Come on and talk to me now
Hey, what you got to hide?
I get angry too
Well Im a lot like you
When youre standing at the crossroads
And dont know which path to choose
Let me come along
cause even if youre wrong

Ill stand by you
Ill stand by you
Wont let nobody hurt you
Ill stand by you
Take me in, into your darkest hour
And Ill never desert you
Ill stand by you

And when...
When the night falls on you, baby
Youre feeling all alone
You wont be on your own

Ill stand by you
Ill stand by you
Wont let nobody hurt you

Ill stand by you
Take me in, into your darkest hour
And Ill never desert you
Ill stand by you
Ill stand by you
Wont let nobody hurt you
Ill stand by you
Wont let nobody hurt you
Ill stand by you
 











]]> Alcohol.

12:26 PM 12/14/2007

It’s about time I dedicate a post to this. I have a problem, and it’s name is Alcohol. No, I don’t have a drinking problem, but the man in my heart does.

This is the story of how I was introduced to it.

Basically, when we first started going out, I had no idea. I honestly didn’t. I was oblivious to the fact that he was pretty much drinking everyday, while he was talking to me. If I knew what was going on, I don’t think I would have reacted differently, but I can never know. We had a rough start, when we first went out, and it wasn’t only his drinking. Every other day we would fight about something that meant absolutely nothing to the both of us. Also, I had his lying problem. I still do, and I admit it’s been a problem as much as the drinking. The reason why I post today, though is I want to find out WHY it is a problem, that he drinks.

In the beginning, I don’t think he treated me the way I should have been treated when he was drinking. Sure, I was a liar, but I wasn’t a worthless human being, weak and incapable of honesty. But back then, I thought he just treated me that way, well, sober. I didn’t know it was alcohol induced. I thought it was just the way he shared his feelings, and back then I’d have to say I was ok with it. I was a stubborn little girl, wanting to fight all the time, and never trying to give in. I had a hard shell on the outside.

But now.. Things have changed completely. That hard shell is gone, because I’ve opened myself up to him completely. I give him the softness underneath.

When I slowly figured out that it was the alcohol, it was pretty much way too late to do anything about it. I didn’t care so much because I had the hard shell, but the words bit it away day after day, untill I fell into a depression.

This is the depression of March, 07.

If you’re thinking that he caused the depression, you’re wrong because he didn’t. I did. It was me that agreed with all the bullshit he was saying, it was I that broke myself down. I only used his words against myself, and was too hard. My shell had trapped me.

Somehow, things were turned around, and he fished me out. Gave me courage and enthusiasm each day, told me how wonderful I was. I don’t remember the drinking sessions during that time, but as time went by, it got better. Much better.

Of course, there were always the bad days, the “I must drink today” days, but things have been much better. He started treating me differently, differently than the man I had met. I learned ways to sometimes avoid his drinking, in fear that the days will come again.

But now.. I am the problem, the girl that mistreats her fiance because he is drinking.

Maybe, just maybe.. deep inside I am so lonely that I have to take it out on him. Maybe.. him drinking is the excuse I give myself, that it’s ok to mistreat him, that it’s ok to yell. Haven’t I learned that it’s never alright? Haven’t I learned how it feels to be mistreated? Sure he drinks, and still gets hammered, but he doesn’t mistreat me anymore. It is I that mistreats him. So.. then why is it a problem that he drinks?

There is no problem, and he is doing great. It is only me, that hasn’t gotten over the months. Now I guess I’m just afraid that he’s going to revert back to that man, since it seems like he’s drinking more and more these days. And I realize the more I mistreat him, the more he will probably drink. I need to change my attitude, no matter how hard it is, and move on. He’s better than that, I know it.

Dealing with the alcohol is nothing compared to all the love he gives me, all the sweet moments and all the good times we’ve shared together.

Oh, why you look so sad?
Tears are in your eyes
Come on and come to me now
Dont be ashamed to cry
Let me see you through
cause Ive seen the dark side too
When the night falls on you
You dont know what to do
Nothing you confess
Could make me love you less

Ill stand by you
Ill stand by you
Wont let nobody hurt you
Ill stand by you

So if youre mad, get mad
Dont hold it all inside
Come on and talk to me now
Hey, what you got to hide?
I get angry too
Well Im a lot like you
When youre standing at the crossroads
And dont know which path to choose
Let me come along
cause even if youre wrong

Ill stand by you
Ill stand by you
Wont let nobody hurt you
Ill stand by you
Take me in, into your darkest hour
And Ill never desert you
Ill stand by you

And when…
When the night falls on you, baby
Youre feeling all alone
You wont be on your own

Ill stand by you
Ill stand by you
Wont let nobody hurt you

Ill stand by you
Take me in, into your darkest hour
And Ill never desert you
Ill stand by you
Ill stand by you
Wont let nobody hurt you
Ill stand by you
Wont let nobody hurt you
Ill stand by you
 

]]> http://nossums.blog.com/2007/12/14/alcohol/feed/ And so… http://nossums.blog.com/2007/12/12/and-so/ http://nossums.blog.com/2007/12/12/and-so/#comments Wed, 12 Dec 2007 13:37:52 +0000 Nossy I have a full body rash. Blah, I'm always sick you know? It has  engulfed me, leaving behind this sickly monster of a girl.

And so. My story goes on. I don't feel depressed anymore, probably because I am taking my meds, and things are fine with Fall and I right now. He still is drinking a tad bit more than I want him to, but then again, what can I do?

It's not up to me to control his freakin' life. The more control I try and have over others, it seems the less control I have of myself. I lose my inner balance, and try and poke at other's internal balances. I need to get my shit straight. I also need to stop letting others poke at my internal balance so easily. I really don't feel in the mood for a talk about internal balances and poking. I'm miserable enough scratching myself and hoping for it to all end.

This is what depression has done to me inside. Taken over my body, not let me sleep, trying to medicate myself but only making things worse. I'm happy to say I believe I'm over that, but still, memories linger..

Trapped within an empty staircase
Cannot walk up
Cannot walk down
Whisper to me
There's no sound
No escaping this hollow feeling
Who in the world, is stealing

My emotion away? ]]> I have a full body rash. Blah, I’m always sick you know? It has  engulfed me, leaving behind this sickly monster of a girl.

And so. My story goes on. I don’t feel depressed anymore, probably because I am taking my meds, and things are fine with Fall and I right now. He still is drinking a tad bit more than I want him to, but then again, what can I do?

It’s not up to me to control his freakin’ life. The more control I try and have over others, it seems the less control I have of myself. I lose my inner balance, and try and poke at other’s internal balances. I need to get my shit straight. I also need to stop letting others poke at my internal balance so easily. I really don’t feel in the mood for a talk about internal balances and poking. I’m miserable enough scratching myself and hoping for it to all end.

This is what depression has done to me inside. Taken over my body, not let me sleep, trying to medicate myself but only making things worse. I’m happy to say I believe I’m over that, but still, memories linger..

Trapped within an empty staircase
Cannot walk up
Cannot walk down
Whisper to me
There’s no sound
No escaping this hollow feeling
Who in the world, is stealing

My emotion away?

]]> http://nossums.blog.com/2007/12/12/and-so/feed/ Prison’s Key http://nossums.blog.com/2007/12/11/prisons-key/ http://nossums.blog.com/2007/12/11/prisons-key/#comments Mon, 10 Dec 2007 20:32:05 +0000 Nossy 4:24 PM 12/10/2007

Thoughts racing in and out,
escaping me when I try and figure out
What's wrong-
what's wrong with me inside

Torn apart by myself
no one here to help me
crying out I see no self
no one here beside me

I don't know why I'm so confined
in this small amount of space
cannot reach out
cannot reach in
am stuck within this place

winter sunsets taking place
within the hole of my heart
evil that comes in vanilla lace
sweet but dangerous to a heart

the prison key- forever free
Never shall I be
And never shall I see
what lies beyond this world of mine



 

]]>

4:24 PM 12/10/2007

Thoughts racing in and out,
escaping me when I try and figure out
What’s wrong-
what’s wrong with me inside

Torn apart by myself
no one here to help me
crying out I see no self
no one here beside me

I don’t know why I’m so confined
in this small amount of space
cannot reach out
cannot reach in
am stuck within this place

winter sunsets taking place
within the hole of my heart
evil that comes in vanilla lace
sweet but dangerous to a heart

the prison key- forever free
Never shall I be
And never shall I see
what lies beyond this world of mine

 

]]> http://nossums.blog.com/2007/12/11/prisons-key/feed/ Seasons http://nossums.blog.com/2007/12/10/seasons/ http://nossums.blog.com/2007/12/10/seasons/#comments Mon, 10 Dec 2007 11:55:14 +0000 Nossy 8:44 AM 12/10/2007

I'm blogging this on notepad currently. I'm so frustrated still with life itself, and I don't know what to do about it. I feel so emotionally insecure, and all over the place. I just don't know what to do.

I'm on the phone with him as always, with nothing to say. I just hope he doesn't drink today.

I can't fully explain the worries and frustrations I truly have, and it bothers me. There are somethings in life where I'd like to just keep to myself. I'd like to get back into art, but if the project doesn't come out the way I want it to, then that will disappoint me even more. Almost everything is disappointing, life in general just is.


When the world spins in circles
and the trees lose their leaves
that's the time when love arises
from the deep dark skies


I try and hold
my head up high
no light to guide me
nothing but my heart to keep me warm.


Golden leaves red and brown
Fall to the ground
As my love for you grows strong
and death comes to all
except us


When the world spins in circles
and the snow falls down
that's the time when my love arises
to bring you back into my arms


You keep me warm with your love
as the snow burries the ground
within itself
I see myself
In a reflection, in your icy mirror


winter wonderland
chilling to the bones
I stand with you, forever
Through the storming skies


When the world spins in circles
and life is once again renewed
my love for you blossoms
like the flowers from the soil
the soil with the leaves


The leaves that blew to the ground
and now grow once more
vibrance, color, and intensity
love is once again renewed


Fragrance of life is in the air
seeds grow strong
and endure long
nights that winter has given


When the world spins in circles
and the sun is shining through
exposing the love I have for you
again time and time again


Time grows longer and
I remeet your vibrant soul
alive in the middle of summer
as the trees grow all their leaves
once again


I embrace your love and
give it also
falling in love with you
once again


When the world spins in circles
and the trees lose their leaves,
We've come full circle
and once again the night grows long


and memories become reality
once more
as the world spins in circles
so does my love for you

as it grows stronger

still with each passing moment
I will forever love you
back to when the trees lose their leaves.


 

]]>

8:44 AM 12/10/2007

I’m blogging this on notepad currently. I’m so frustrated still with life itself, and I don’t know what to do about it. I feel so emotionally insecure, and all over the place. I just don’t know what to do.

I’m on the phone with him as always, with nothing to say. I just hope he doesn’t drink today.

I can’t fully explain the worries and frustrations I truly have, and it bothers me. There are somethings in life where I’d like to just keep to myself. I’d like to get back into art, but if the project doesn’t come out the way I want it to, then that will disappoint me even more. Almost everything is disappointing, life in general just is.


When the world spins in circles
and the trees lose their leaves
that’s the time when love arises
from the deep dark skies


I try and hold
my head up high
no light to guide me
nothing but my heart to keep me warm.


Golden leaves red and brown
Fall to the ground
As my love for you grows strong
and death comes to all
except us


When the world spins in circles
and the snow falls down
that’s the time when my love arises
to bring you back into my arms


You keep me warm with your love
as the snow burries the ground
within itself
I see myself
In a reflection, in your icy mirror


winter wonderland
chilling to the bones
I stand with you, forever
Through the storming skies


When the world spins in circles
and life is once again renewed
my love for you blossoms
like the flowers from the soil
the soil with the leaves


The leaves that blew to the ground
and now grow once more
vibrance, color, and intensity
love is once again renewed


Fragrance of life is in the air
seeds grow strong
and endure long
nights that winter has given


When the world spins in circles
and the sun is shining through
exposing the love I have for you
again time and time again


Time grows longer and
I remeet your vibrant soul
alive in the middle of summer
as the trees grow all their leaves
once again


I embrace your love and
give it also
falling in love with you
once again


When the world spins in circles
and the trees lose their leaves,
We’ve come full circle
and once again the night grows long


and memories become reality
once more
as the world spins in circles
so does my love for you

as it grows stronger

still with each passing moment
I will forever love you
back to when the trees lose their leaves.


 

]]> http://nossums.blog.com/2007/12/10/seasons/feed/ Feeling better. ily_fall. http://nossums.blog.com/2007/12/10/feeling-better-ily_fall/ http://nossums.blog.com/2007/12/10/feeling-better-ily_fall/#comments Sun, 09 Dec 2007 20:14:29 +0000 Nossy I'm feeling like so much better and stuff now that I think the meds have incorporated into my system once more.

I feel normal again, and that's sort of sad within itself, seeing how I can't be normal without pills. Oh well. I'm still stuck in pjs eating applesauce, so things aren't that better yet. I feel bad for bugging out on Fall earlier about stupid things, and losing my mind and all that stuff. I really feel bad. But we all have our moments, I guess. The only good thing about applesauce is that it tastes like applejuice.

I posted a poem before this post because I didn't want to to get all mixed up with this post. I have a half mind of deleting my angry posts. I don't like posts that show frustration, I really don't, but I'll deal with it.




]]> I’m feeling like so much better and stuff now that I think the meds have incorporated into my system once more.

I feel normal again, and that’s sort of sad within itself, seeing how I can’t be normal without pills. Oh well. I’m still stuck in pjs eating applesauce, so things aren’t that better yet. I feel bad for bugging out on Fall earlier about stupid things, and losing my mind and all that stuff. I really feel bad. But we all have our moments, I guess. The only good thing about applesauce is that it tastes like applejuice.

I posted a poem before this post because I didn’t want to to get all mixed up with this post. I have a half mind of deleting my angry posts. I don’t like posts that show frustration, I really don’t, but I’ll deal with it.

]]> http://nossums.blog.com/2007/12/10/feeling-better-ily_fall/feed/ Home. http://nossums.blog.com/2007/12/10/home/ http://nossums.blog.com/2007/12/10/home/#comments Sun, 09 Dec 2007 20:12:55 +0000 Nossy I'm home again..
Seeing you here beside me
Holding you within my heart
Feeling your warmth inside me
your love- a work of art
I'm home again..
Back to the world of you
Loving you and caring for you
Is what I forever plan to do
Love you, only you
Fall, I do. ]]> I’m home again..
Seeing you here beside me
Holding you within my heart
Feeling your warmth inside me
your love- a work of art
I’m home again..
Back to the world of you
Loving you and caring for you
Is what I forever plan to do
Love you, only you
Fall, I do.
]]> http://nossums.blog.com/2007/12/10/home/feed/ Helpless. http://nossums.blog.com/2007/12/09/helpless/ http://nossums.blog.com/2007/12/09/helpless/#comments Sun, 09 Dec 2007 15:55:07 +0000 Nossy I'm depressed because I now see how helpless and out of control I am without my medication. ]]> I’m depressed because I now see how helpless and out of control I am without my medication.
]]> http://nossums.blog.com/2007/12/09/helpless/feed/