Helen’s Blog

12:26 PM 12/14/2007

It’s about time I dedicate a post to this. I have a problem, and it’s name is Alcohol. No, I don’t have a drinking problem, but the man in my heart does.

This is the story of how I was introduced to it.

Basically, when we first started going out, I had no idea. I honestly didn’t. I was oblivious to the fact that he was pretty much drinking everyday, while he was talking to me. If I knew what was going on, I don’t think I would have reacted differently, but I can never know. We had a rough start, when we first went out, and it wasn’t only his drinking. Every other day we would fight about something that meant absolutely nothing to the both of us. Also, I had his lying problem. I still do, and I admit it’s been a problem as much as the drinking. The reason why I post today, though is I want to find out WHY it is a problem, that he drinks.

In the beginning, I don’t think he treated me the way I should have been treated when he was drinking. Sure, I was a liar, but I wasn’t a worthless human being, weak and incapable of honesty. But back then, I thought he just treated me that way, well, sober. I didn’t know it was alcohol induced. I thought it was just the way he shared his feelings, and back then I’d have to say I was ok with it. I was a stubborn little girl, wanting to fight all the time, and never trying to give in. I had a hard shell on the outside.

But now.. Things have changed completely. That hard shell is gone, because I’ve opened myself up to him completely. I give him the softness underneath.

When I slowly figured out that it was the alcohol, it was pretty much way too late to do anything about it. I didn’t care so much because I had the hard shell, but the words bit it away day after day, untill I fell into a depression.

This is the depression of March, 07.

If you’re thinking that he caused the depression, you’re wrong because he didn’t. I did. It was me that agreed with all the bullshit he was saying, it was I that broke myself down. I only used his words against myself, and was too hard. My shell had trapped me.

Somehow, things were turned around, and he fished me out. Gave me courage and enthusiasm each day, told me how wonderful I was. I don’t remember the drinking sessions during that time, but as time went by, it got better. Much better.

Of course, there were always the bad days, the “I must drink today” days, but things have been much better. He started treating me differently, differently than the man I had met. I learned ways to sometimes avoid his drinking, in fear that the days will come again.

But now.. I am the problem, the girl that mistreats her fiance because he is drinking.

Maybe, just maybe.. deep inside I am so lonely that I have to take it out on him. Maybe.. him drinking is the excuse I give myself, that it’s ok to mistreat him, that it’s ok to yell. Haven’t I learned that it’s never alright? Haven’t I learned how it feels to be mistreated? Sure he drinks, and still gets hammered, but he doesn’t mistreat me anymore. It is I that mistreats him. So.. then why is it a problem that he drinks?

There is no problem, and he is doing great. It is only me, that hasn’t gotten over the months. Now I guess I’m just afraid that he’s going to revert back to that man, since it seems like he’s drinking more and more these days. And I realize the more I mistreat him, the more he will probably drink. I need to change my attitude, no matter how hard it is, and move on. He’s better than that, I know it.

Dealing with the alcohol is nothing compared to all the love he gives me, all the sweet moments and all the good times we’ve shared together.

Oh, why you look so sad?
Tears are in your eyes
Come on and come to me now
Dont be ashamed to cry
Let me see you through
cause Ive seen the dark side too
When the night falls on you
You dont know what to do
Nothing you confess
Could make me love you less

Ill stand by you
Ill stand by you
Wont let nobody hurt you
Ill stand by you

So if youre mad, get mad
Dont hold it all inside
Come on and talk to me now
Hey, what you got to hide?
I get angry too
Well Im a lot like you
When youre standing at the crossroads
And dont know which path to choose
Let me come along
cause even if youre wrong

Ill stand by you
Ill stand by you
Wont let nobody hurt you
Ill stand by you
Take me in, into your darkest hour
And Ill never desert you
Ill stand by you

And when…
When the night falls on you, baby
Youre feeling all alone
You wont be on your own

Ill stand by you
Ill stand by you
Wont let nobody hurt you

Ill stand by you
Take me in, into your darkest hour
And Ill never desert you
Ill stand by you
Ill stand by you
Wont let nobody hurt you
Ill stand by you
Wont let nobody hurt you
Ill stand by you
 

And so. My story goes on. I don’t feel depressed anymore, probably because I am taking my meds, and things are fine with Fall and I right now. He still is drinking a tad bit more than I want him to, but then again, what can I do?

It’s not up to me to control his freakin’ life. The more control I try and have over others, it seems the less control I have of myself. I lose my inner balance, and try and poke at other’s internal balances. I need to get my shit straight. I also need to stop letting others poke at my internal balance so easily. I really don’t feel in the mood for a talk about internal balances and poking. I’m miserable enough scratching myself and hoping for it to all end.

This is what depression has done to me inside. Taken over my body, not let me sleep, trying to medicate myself but only making things worse. I’m happy to say I believe I’m over that, but still, memories linger..

Trapped within an empty staircase
Cannot walk up
Cannot walk down
Whisper to me
There’s no sound
No escaping this hollow feeling
Who in the world, is stealing

I feel normal again, and that’s sort of sad within itself, seeing how I can’t be normal without pills. Oh well. I’m still stuck in pjs eating applesauce, so things aren’t that better yet. I feel bad for bugging out on Fall earlier about stupid things, and losing my mind and all that stuff. I really feel bad. But we all have our moments, I guess. The only good thing about applesauce is that it tastes like applejuice.

I posted a poem before this post because I didn’t want to to get all mixed up with this post. I have a half mind of deleting my angry posts. I don’t like posts that show frustration, I really don’t, but I’ll deal with it.